This is my life, my story :D

I recently have been thinking alot like why I cannot feel God's presence and anointing during worship. Is it because I am distracted or I am tired..hmms but I used to worship so much Faith! Like God keeps calling me CGL of 30 and lead guitarist come into His presence and I could feel Him. But I couldn't anymore now. What happened..): Just now when I worship I felt God telling me this verse God is my shield, saving those whose hearts are true and right. (Psalms 7:10 NLT) I think I felt that God was speaking right into me! Like sometimes I think when I do things but heart isn't really true but I do for the sake of doing it..I have so many burden to share.. I really wish that there is one person who can just step or walk into my life, and a person I can be close with and share all my worries and burden with that person! I have always anticipated this but it always didn't happened. Recently in school, I felt so left out and outcasted like when people are talking abt games I don't play I felt lost. I generally don't feel love from people at all. Been doing badly for my studies and failing almost everything, told mum to rest assured but I can sense that she is really worried for me, Ming Jian told me to be inspired first and then go around inspiring others. He even asked me who is my best friend in church..I was really clueless how to answer this question but I just have to face up to the reality that I have no best friends in church. Yes there might be trench buddies but not really friends you always eat close together. In church, people are so competitive to rise up as leaders. I felt that there is no room for me to grow anymore like even there is I will always think that why is this occurring so fast can't everything slow down? I want to learn to become one before I become one before I learn to become one. It feels so empty in church nowadays like people always hangout for integrations but I understand the works behind it so yups I really got used to being outcasted and. It being cared for alr it's even like a daily routine. I might seem very involved in the CG or even hanging out with CG mates but guess what you never know what happens behind the scenes..they made me to take charge of prayer meeting in school every Monday,Wednesday and Friday. I didn't quite wanted to do it but SP How always teaches us to persevere and our harvest will be plentiful. So yeps!

In family, Dad got angry with me yesterday and had a really bad fight with sis sighh..Cousin is just watching. Tried talking to him abt problems but I guessed he is not the person for it. I always hate things that i predicted and it things happened out to be what I exactly predicted. Sometimes banging myself in my heart and ask why are there people who judge,looks down,get jealous,competitive and treat friends as an second option. People who do all this have they put themselves into our shoes and feel how we feel. I am really trying to cut down on guitar but SOM practice log really kills my time for studying. I love my ministry and in anything or everything photography is always my passion. I want to practice it but I don't have time to and always I am inconsistent. I really want to thank Jun Wei for that harsh discipleship on my character on serving. Cedric and Ming Jian on discipling my heart and character too.

Tee Yong for the heart of worship

People like Evonne, Josh,Duy,Matthew,Shong Yan ,Amos,Bianca,Geraldine,

Zuo Ning,Louise,Kek,Miao Guan

,Gerard and Yu Loon are always people who encourages me to dream big and think big and go for my dreams!

These people are priceless in my life. For the rest..maybe we see what you are really in the future before I put my trust in you again.

Sigh been down physically again..falling sick too easily and it always affects me to not study. Gonna change that.

Bible series tmr and SOM gonna give my best for all.

Thanks for letting me know that i have been a fool for all this months, i have been taken advantage off, i am just a freaking second choice. Thanks for showing me ur true colours tonight. I am done and over with, I am no longer who i am. From today on, you the difference yourself.

Sigh..): idk why i have a bad feeling that i am going to screw up MYE is badly. Hmms one of the reasons is probably because i havent prepared it well and its not like last year. Its tiring to get stressful i will always get fustrated for no reason. Damn there it goes, affecting my everything): I want to get out church for at least like 1 year? I feel so tired in there. I think i am forcing myself to do everything then having the heart to serve. For example like BMI, i always feel tired and i still push myself to serve then in the end i fall sick. Church became like i must go there and waste my weekends nowadays. Sigh people have changed,times have changed. Worse is people is not even from ur zone and transfers into ur cg and discipleship you for the stupidest reason ever. Only people from ur own zone and own cg knows how to love you. I dont know why sometimes when i just look back at i things i have done i just cant help but tear. I think it would be a joke, after almost 1 year in church, i still cannot feel the presence of God in the main service. What is it that i want to achieve in life, who i want to be,how am i going to do it. This questions might seems normal and they are questions you find them in ur goal setting target sheet. But actually they are important these questions gives you a clear mindset on how are you going to run,live and love your life. People who you meet everyday may not be the person who is a true friend to you. But when you fall even at a slightest cut, people who helps you up are the people who are true,loyal and friends you can count on.Like this: RT @icyyavalanche_: 'Have u ever sat in a group of friends, thinking that ur the least impt? Like it won't make a diff even if u weren't thr' This re-tweet actually made me think. People who outcast you are people who doesnt want you, simply like ask you to go away. Sometimes your presence is not even important at all and the best is for you not to be there. People can have many friends on facebook,many followers on twitter,instagram,tumblr and all the social media websites but have you ever wondered that when they need help they have no friends? They do this cuz the feel insecure in the inside, gaining so many followers makes them feel better. Somehow which i dont know how to relate to. I am putting my dreams in church away for 2 months time. I am going to focus what i want in life. Yes this might be emotional for 2 months or maybe even 1 year but once you get over with this, you will succeed in life.

Seriously, i dont know what i am becoming to but i know what i am doing, i cant tolerate anymore. If people love to give me dead replies and when i give them the same thing back, they will either get automatically sad or pissed off its like what the fuck man, you can do it and i cant? Come on uh please. I hate talking to people abt myself and my life so i suggest if you have nothing to talk to me just shut the fuck up. Cuz i know that i can trust NO ONE at all. Nobody i can talk to and rely on. Okay cool so next you want to come talk trust to me, i think you better think twice. I treat you the way you treat me so too bad if you want to be an asshole abt it then dont blame me for being an asshole too. Everything has its own consequences. People always care abt you for 3 months and move on to their new friends. So even i have a same breed or BFF they all are the fucking same. Cuz i have to always hear their stories and they dont hear mine or even bother. So you dont care why should I? I should start being harsh instead of being soft hearted right, people naturally take it for granted.

Wow time really files..phew! Its CNY alr!! Haizz damn sian): Injured my left leg..super deep grazed..but i just cant believe my friends actually bothered to buy me medication and beverages uh..sia lah!! Hahah so funny anyways!! Ahh i dont waaant ministry to start..everybody always thought that i am damn freaking enthu to be serving in a ministry but deep down inside i really dw to start so soon..i just dont feel ready..Recently failed maths test..its been rather bad also..made the maths teacher give up hope on me somemore..haizz idw like that ehh 2012 was good cuz i love to study but why 2013 i suddenly became so playful..all of the sudden i think study is useless...i remember the day when i received my GPA..cant believe that my mum was crying uh..i just feel that i should really work hard again..no matter how tough or how unfavourable the situation may be we should be still and know who is God! And recently facing with friendship problems again..haizz its is always one side done and another screws..whyy cant this just like stopp..and everything be fine at once..and church close for 2 weeks somemore haizz damn sian sia..People always think that i feel involved,feel cared for and feel happy but the truth is i feel outcasted,the sense of unbelonging..and the worse is i feel like being an extra for doing something i am not suppose too.. But on the brighter note! Scored A for Physics and passed my English and Chinese CT!! XD So damn happy i always thought i cmi for physics but i did it!! Hahahah!! Anw yes after CNY many more greater things is gonna come! Friendships are going to be mend and stronger than ever! I am going to do well!!! Yess i believe all this in the name of Jesus!! :):) Lelelelele):): I miss hogc alot): And i should just play the guitar less :P to concentrate better on my work!! :):) ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH THE NAME OF CHRIST! :):):):) XD
-Eugene Lee (:

Hello people! (: Hahah today was a super great and awesome day! :) Graduated from BMT and even became X-Rave 2012 Soccer Champions! Wow was super happy! Hahah of cos tired after that! Attended service 2 and what SP How preached abt leadership is very true! Hahhah feeling one more step closer to being a CGL YAY! :) So happy! Hahah!! Woke up super early today! Zx was late and so was Ds! hahha! Alot of encouragement and support for CG mates! They were awesome!! Hhaha won a Gold trophy first time in my entire life! Hhaha when i taught of that i was like achievement unlocked! Hahha!! Then after Service 2! Saw Ray!! Hhaha mahh best friend in church! :)) He even came to congratulate me after my graduation from BMT!! HAHAHA!! Next step is to enter livefeed!! Woohoo!! (: So cool ehh!! Alright!! Good things are over!! Celebration completed! LOL! HAHAHAH!! Okay yeah school is starting alr): Ohhgoshh!! Not ready yet!! Hw also havet complete): Haizz how how how!!): Been facing alot of friendship problems recently..Wahh haizz abit hard to cope and handle sia..idk why also like that..But nvm uh (: When nobody cares i know God is! (: Really love Praising and Worshiping God! Its just gives me the string Faith to conquer the challenges ahead of me! :) Hahha sometimes also damn funny i can be super pissed at that person for like maybe awhile but later i will feel super guilty abt it):Haizz been feeling so vexed and stressed in the inside! I am really mentally and physically tired of everything alr! Really need proper rest ahh!! If not uh macham like some kinda of zombie like that hahah! Yeahh damn sian): Really hope to dwell in the presence of God again and worship Him like nvr before!): Really hope to lift all this troubles all up to Him and may He cast peace to my heart and solutions to my mind how to solve this things! Really hope to not be alone in this but yeah with God all things are possible! Let no more problems come by but let ideas and dreams start to flow! Wow that will be like so great and awesome! hahaahh!! Just able to spike my hair recently haha! Looked kinda weird damn funny also HAHA! But used to it after awhile! (: Hahha..really hope that people will not just see me changing from bad to worse but from bad to good to better! Really hope to change in this way and hope that i will just be chilled and not giving such reactions that people will misunderstand my intention! Hmm Hmm!! HAHAHAH!! YAY WOOHOO 2012 IS AWESOME!! XDD

Hhahaha YAY!! Friends came to church!! Wow! Was so powerful ehh!! During Alter call isaac lifted up his hands eh!! He is the person i should really reach out to man! Hahaha was so happy!! ((: Woots!! Lazer Tag was pretty awesome!! (: Team Rajah and Botak Mitchegene were very impressive! Although Botak Mitchegene didnt win any matches but they displayed excellent sportsmanship! Team Rajah were great and awesome! Strategized within 20mins! Hahah so fun holding two pistols!! Was like behind sniping!! Ahhh then there comes my fall..wah damn pain seh..was like both legs were injured now cannot really walk properly alr..Left leg.internal injury Right leg got bruise!! AHHH! Then was like limping all the way home! :X I want win kilpsch!!! )): Hahah gun crew at stage side was super fast! Vincent was like telling me abt his pants zip i was like wth LOL! Hhahah!!! Then packing up was like mad! Then later train ride with Kah Fatt! Hahah he is so humorous ehh! Wah but his parkour was damn zai! Then there comes this breakdown time..haizz damn sian..then when i really sit down and think..why am i gonna do alr..how am i going to move on ith life..then all the worries and trouble suddenly casted upon me..then really felt helpless at that timing uh..really hope there is someone there to listen everything abt this and understand me from the inside out but too bad lor..nobody could..hahaha although i appear super joyful and cheerful on the outside..but in the inside it just hurts so much uh..its like even worse then fever..wahh really dw to land into counselling eh...that one damn sian..then later i started thinking of myself becoming rebellious..omgg then my parents dont really bother abt my feelings one uh..everyday scold scold scold everytime they argue all is my fault like that..then everytime kena scolding..really uh..just omgg last night was like damn jialiat uh.for the first time my tears came rolling down..i always thought that i can do this and do that..and handle everything perfectly..haizz next year sec 3 alr eh..double stress..parents expectation increased alot..then i always play play play how pass..nobody seems to bother and care then forget abt it lor.. i just go on uh..haha..suck right..only know how to cheer up and motivate people when i myself cant even do it.. haizz my life is like screwed lor..nobody bothers anyway..let it be..sometimes i really ask myself..what are friendships for..pretty much useless uh..they all come and go..cant really have a friend i can rely on and trust..shit uh..smile uh..cant even do that uh.. so tired after planning stuff.. if i have not stepped into christianity path..i think maybe it will be much better right.. dont need worry so much..all the leaders only care abt new friends de..really hate people when i type damn long right..then give me one word stupid reply...walao waste my time uh..if my lfie is carefree uh..maybe i should just give up alr..dont bother sua..dont even give a damn then okay lor..everytime want me nice only sian.. feels damn lethargic uh everytime kena push around..can can pushover lor.. CCSM uh? Smile? Throw rubbish bin lah useless one.. sian okay okay stop being like this alr! Anw next week will be good right! Hope so! Alright alright till the next post !!! ((: